What You Have Become

What have you become is something that you say you hate. Yet, it doesn’t seem like you have done anything to change that. If you truly hate what you have become, shouldn’t that be enough motivation to do something different from what you’ve been doing?

Anytime we talk it’s always the same exact thing with you. Nothing ever changes with you. I’m in no way judging or looking down at you, but I’ve told you countless times that it’s about finding something you love to do and to do it. Something to keep you busy because it’s really one of the only way’s to change what you have become.

I have faith in you and will always have faith in you, but that doesn’t seem to matter, having faith in yourself is what really matter’s.

You say you’re trying, but how hard are you actually trying? Making the excuse that you’re a “fuck up.” If you truly believe in your head that you’re a fuck up than nothing will ever change. I believe you tell yourself that to not feel guilty or bad about what you have become. That’s if you feel anything at all with this cycle that you’ve become so accustomed to.

There’s someone who needs you, but he deserves you to be there and completely there, where you’re not going to run away again do what the same thing again. That someone is the motivation but do it for you, not that someone, because it won’t work if not done for yourself first. At this point that someone deserves much more a lot better than what you have become. And what you have become is nothing more than just a random memory that comes to mind every now and then.

If you hate what you have become I’d say it’s safe to say, that the people around you do as well. The one’s that don’t hate what you have become are the one’s, you should walk away from, just like you did from the one that need’s you. And I’m sure that need he has for you is slowly dwindling as you keep on with this cycle. This cycle that’s continuously revolving and not stopping, until you can love what you have become.



am so damn happy that I am so damn mad

Very up at the same time so very down

A feeling I’ve never felt before

A feeling I’ll never feel again

There wasn’t a balance between the two extremes

There may have been one just didn’t want to find it

On top of the world while giving the middle finger to everyone in it

An euphoric feeling without anything to influence it

Something that was a first and a last

I’m so damn happy that I’m so damn mad

Take me to where I was tied down

Put me to sleep so I can wake up to a beautiful


Not Finished- Garden Dig It

On a beautiful early September day my mind was filled with many thoughts. Thoughts that were very close to racing, doing a lot of thinking and really thinking deeply into things, trying to figure out what in the world was going on. I was trying to make sense of my life up to that point, because nothing was making sense. There was something going on in my head, something that was unknown to me and at this point it wasn’t quite what it was about to become. There always seemed to be something, going on in my mind, always thinking and looking deep into things all throughout my life. It’s just the way my mind works, it’s constantly got thoughts running through it. With the constant barrage of thoughts I’d think or look at something and try to completely dissect, attempting to find meaning in everything around me. I always try to find a reason for everything and anything that exist in the world. A reason for everything and anything that has happened or may happen.
There must have been a reason why that the few days leading up to this beautiful September day, that my mind was in the state that it was in. Wondering how and why I was able to get little to no sleep at all, but still wake up with all the energy in the world. With the lack of sleep over the course of a few days, it caused hallucinations, for the first time. The type of hallucinations that weren’t fun, hearing things that weren’t there. The random flashes of images that come and went, it wasn’t that constant melting of images that I’ve experienced before. The one’s that I was more than willing to experience.
It’s as if my mind was opened up more than it was supposed to be. Not open in the sense of keep an open mind, or you’re a very open minded person, but in the literal sense of opened. I was actually quite scared of what was going on, but I felt so good. No one could feel it except me, however everyone could see it including me. This whole feel good feeling that was running it’s course through me, wasn’t natural and I know that, but I didn’t want it to end. That feeling of being on top of the world was amazing, but I was the middle finger to the rest of the world. It’s that up and down roller coaster of feeling happy, so happy that you’re completely pissed off at the same time, there was no balance between the two. And quite frankly in the beginning  I didn’t want a balance, even though I was very well aware of the problem. I didn’t want the help that was needed, at least not right away, I was having too much fun.
From the outside you would think I had gone crazy but the truth is I have always been crazy and I would be the first one to tell you. The good type of crazy, not the straight jacket padded room crazy, but the good crazy. To use the term crazy doesn’t really work this situation. I look at it as the fact that everything around me started to make sense. Everything in my life and in life in general, it all started to make complete sense, even the things that never seemed to make sense, were starting to make sense, which made no sense to me at all. Does that make sense? There’s really no other way to explain it. It was if I finally figured out what I wanted and what makes me happy. A moment of clarity, an epiphany , or an awakening, whatever you want to call it, was due to the fact of this simple quote “Life’s a Garden, Dig it”

Ice Pick

You look at people and smile in their face. You say hello and act friendly. You will be polite to their face. You seem like a halfway decent person. And maybe you are, but I keep in mind who I’m talking to when I talk to you. I don’t judge you for what I’ve heard about you. We all make mistakes and we learn from them. What I’ve learned from you, is exactly who you are or at least who you could be. Not from just one person, but from a couple of people and with that information I just remember who I’m talking to when I talk to you. I would never use it against you, but it is some valuable information.

What I find somewhat shitty on your end is that you will look out for your first and foremost, which is understandable. However the fact that you would be kind to someone face to face and go behind someone’s back and stab them in the back with an ice pick, without even a second thought to it, to protect yourself, I find that to be a questionable trait in someone. Something so questionable that to trust you would be very questionable on anyone’s part, that interacts with you on a daily basis. I completely understand looking out for yourself, but at least be straight up about it, your counterpart is the same way. The main difference between the two of you is that he’s always straight up about it. He’s honest and real about it, that’s something that I respect about him.

The vibe you give off in general at best is very sketchy and I don’t make any unnecessary conversation with you. Only conversations I want to have with you are the ones that are needed, nothing less nothing more. That’s why I remember who you are whenever I have to talk to you. I have trust issues beyond what I can even explain. Trust issues that come from many things. A lesson learned long ago, to never trust anybody, maybe only to an extent, but no further. It’s people like you that make me realize again, that people will do whatever to make themselves look good while driving a dull rusty object into your back, without even thinking about it, those type of people are the ones you should avoid at all cost. Trust to an extent, but always trust yourself to the fullest extent

No Filter (re edit)

At time’s I have no filter on my mouth and I don’t hold back as to what I may say, because of what someone else may think. It all depend’s on the environment that I’m in, at work I’ll be a lot more reserved than as if I’m chilling with friends just having a good time.

A good friend has told me on numerous occasions “dude you have no filter.” This is coming from the guy who one night was freestyling and came out with ” I got a blumpkin, that’s something.” So he can’t say much, however he’s stopped me from saying some really sick and twisted shit, that most of the public wouldn’t want to hear, and for that I thank him.

In today’s world people seem to get offended so easily, God forbid someone say’s something offensive, it get’s everyone’s panties up in a bunch. The fact that in the previous sentence I said “God forbid”, that could have offended someone for all I know. What are we supposed to be these perfectly proper, politically correct citizens of this country? I find very little correct in the political world, so therefore I don’t believe that the word’s “politically” and “correct” belong together, but hey who am I to say anything about word’s belonging together.

The main reason I’m not a fan of being “politically correct”, is the simple fact that they’re was not too much that was “politically correct” about how this country has become what it is today.

Think about it, we “discovered” this land. And by “discovered” I mean came in, raped and murdered almost an entire population of people who had been here for quite sometime before we even knew the land existed. We killed them for what reason? Was is it the fact that they didn’t look like us? And the fact that we considered there way of living to be of savage’s?

I find it hard to believe that they were the one’s who were savage’s, I think it’s the other way around. Savage is coming here and killing and stealing from people who had and still have so much that we could’ve learned from them. We may have heard them, but how much did we actually listen to what they were saying?

If you ever come across a book that contain’s the writing’s of the Chief’s of Native American Indian tribe’s or any Native American Indian for that matter, you’d probably be surprised as to what they were saying back than is still very much relevant to the world that we live in today.

It’s as if this country was built off of the violence toward’s an entire race, and then the enslavement of another race. The enslavement may not exist like it did at one point in this country, but the violence is still here. When it come’s to slavery it still exist in the world, and as far is it existing in this country, I’d say it does quite a bit because were all slave’s to something, something along the line’s of the dollar?

Thiers’ people who are slave’s today, we have sex slave’s, slave’s digging for diamond’s. People are still being murdered and raped as well, nothing’s changed just the time’s and the awareness of it all.

Speaking of that what I don’t get is that when a woman or child get’s raped by someone, we send that person to prison, where our taxes’ pay for that sick and twisted person to sit there with three meals and a bed. Do they deserve that? I don’t think so, but I don’t make the rule’s. The way I see it we put down dog’s who may attack a child, because that dog attacking a child will scar a child for life. Does a child being molested by someone not scar them for life as well? Yet, we let that person live, if they don’t get killed by the family member’s of that child first. I just don’t see how them spending time behind bar’s is going to change them, whose to say that they won’t do it again when they get out? Yea, they may have to register, let their neighbor’s know there a sex offender, not allowed within so many yards of a school or park, but is that really going to stop them? It very well could prevent them from harming another woman or child again, but it’s not guaranteed, so why can’t we put them down like we would a dog?

They say an addict will alway’s be an addict even if they’ve been clean and sober for 40 years, is it the same for the rapist? I just think you’re a complete piece of s**t, if you harm a woman or an innocent child and you should be put down.

On the other hand when it’s the opposite, a woman sleeping with a young boy, it’s as if it’s not a big deal. You don’t really hear about it much but you do every once in a while, and when you do it hits the news for a hot minute, but that’s it.

Not too long ago I saw something about two teacher’s sleeping with a young male student and obviously getting caught. My first thought was “where were those teacher’s when I was his age?” Than I saw the pictures of them and thought “wow they actually aren’t that bad-looking at all.”

Without reading the full story I’m not too sure as to how they got caught, but my guess is that someone saw something sketchy, or the kid went told one of his friend’s and it just spiraled out of control, that’s usually the case most of the time, people talk and it get’s back to the wrong person. If I was in his position, I most likely wouldn’t have been able to keep it to myself I would’ve told my best friend while we passed the dutch. How could a teenage boy not say something to a friend? At that age you’re not thinking about the consequence’s the teacher(s) could face. That’s one of those thing’s you keep to yourself, just to be able to keep doing it, and eventually tell your grandchildren about one day. You know the kid probably didn’t get into much trouble, I imagine his mother was upset, while his dad was patting him on the back saying, “that’s my boy, but you should’ve kept your mouth shut son.”

The real issue here is the teacher(s) and their mindstate, what would cause them to want to sleep with a teenage boy? Did they feel that he could benefit from some extra tutoring outside of the classroom and inside the bedroom? Instead of teaching him the ABC’s they decided to teach him about TLP’s and possibly safeword’s like “cupcake.”

I give the kid credit he did something I’m sure most the boy’s his age have fantasized about. I tell you right now I’ve fantasized about at least one of my teacher’s throughout the year’s in school, the one that I can recall being hot was my seventh or eighth grade art teacher. The last time I saw her she was still hot and could get it.

Onto the next topic, why in the world did we legalize alcohol and tobacco?

Two of the deadliest substance’s known to man who are a part of everyday life. Are they trying to kill us?

I don’t think that there trying to kill us by having these two product’s available at damn near every convience store and Bodega in the country. I think their just trying to make money off of people’s habits that’s all. We have the choice as people to put something into our bodies that is harmful or to not put something harmful into our bodies. We’re all very well aware of the health risk involved with these substances so don’t act surprised when a health risk occurs. They’ve had warning’s placed on the labels for years, still doesn’t stop people. With the label’s theirs alway’s been the advertising as well.

Advertising that it almost genius on their part because it has worked. They had the cowboy on the horse and they also had the camel rocking the sunglasses, they made it look cool. All the signs in the store window’s were at eye level with young people and had all the right colors. It’s the same for alcohol as well, cool ad’s of beautiful people having a drink together, or a commercial of people partying, drinking, and having a good time in a penthouse suite or the rooftop of a penthouse suite, overlooking a big city. For most of us it’s not a reality it’s a fantasy, they alway’s show the good side never the bad side.

The amount of money these companies’ make must be ridiculous. When you think about alcohol and tobacco there both being bought and used 24 hour’s a day, 7 day’s a week, and 365 day’s a year, non stop money-making market.

Not only is there a lot of money being made on people’s habit’s and good times, their’s also money being made on the affect’s of people’s habits and the bad times that are soon to follow. The health issues that occur make money for the doctor’s that we go see, the pharmaceuticals companies that provide the medication’s, that are usually prescribed to the us, the patient. You ever notice that nothing ever get’s cured it just get’s treated?

Is there a reason for that? I think so and that reason is money, what else could it be? Why would they want to cure cancer? Why would they want to cure AIDS?

When there is so much money involved with just the treatment of these deadly diseases?

I’m not saying that there is a cure for them, but how come we can do so much with the technology we have, but we can’t cure these diseases?

Is it due to the fact that we live in a very populated world and the simple fact that people need to die? Is it a way of controlling the population? I don’t for sure, I just feel like we could cure these thing’s and people wouldn’t have to go through these life altering event’s in their life. However if money is the motivation behind just treating disease and sickness, than it all make’s perfect sense, because the world is a business, and when it come’s to getting money, what better way to get it than selling drugs?

I believe that we as people should have more of a choice when it come’s to treating the illness that we may encounter in life. Their’s the man-made medications and then their’s the more natural medication’s that exist. The natural one I’m talking about is of course Medical Marijuana. It’s available in certain area’s of the country, but should be more available, and I believe it will be it’s just going to take sometime. I’m not going to sit here and say that it will help with everything because I’m sure their’s pills ou there that really do help with certain health issues people have. However, I’d just like to have the option that’s all.

The Medical marijuana industry isn’t going to put pharmaceutical companies out of business, because some people don’t want medical marijuana and it’s just not for every single health issue out there. It’s worth a shot at least, give it a chance. I just don’t want to ever be in the hospital hooked up to a Morphine drip because of an accident that has caused me a lot of pain. I know that I would be come dependent on it, I’d like to be able to use a plant to help ease any pain I may have.

Of course people have to realize you don’t just have to smoke Marijuana for you to feel its effects, which is a great thing especially for someone who may have a lung related illness. Or for someone who has gone through chemotherapy and doesn’t want to smoke, but still want’s the Marijuana to help them regain their appetite and hopefully rebuilding their immune system that may have been destroyed from the chemotherapy. Just like their’s pro’s and con’s with prescription medication’s their’s pro’s and con’s with Medical Marijuana as well. I don’t think their’s as many con’s as there is with the prescription pills, but their still there. People have to realize that all of the stigma’s that are associated with Marijuana aren’t all true, and the people who use it, aren’t all true. And you’d never imagine that some of the people who use it, actually use it. It could help create a lot of good in this country, as long as thing’s are thought out and done properly and professionally when it comes to this plant and everything else, because the people who are or will be involved in it, don’t want to mess it up, after all the year’s of it being fought for, it’s really going to become a part of mainstream society in this country.

Another plant that I think should be utilized because of the many benefits it has, is the Hemp plant. Why did we stop growing hemp to begin with?

If we started growing hemp again, the product’s that come from it is out of this world. Those product’s range from clothing, building materials, paper, and even beauty products that you can find in salons and other stores. It makes so much sense to start growing it, that we don’t? Which makes no sense whatsoever to me. I think it would be cool to drive down the back road’s of America and seeing a field full hemp plant’s growing, use some of the land that isn’t being used at all.

The hemp growing debate for me is the same as the Medical Marijuana one in the sense, that I believe that we should have a choice between man-made or natural. It would be nice to walk into a store that offers hemp paper for sale, or a clothing store that has hemp based clothing.

It may also help reduce the amount of tree’s that have to be cut down to feed the demand for lumber and paper in this country, or even help us become less dependent on foreign oil. I don’t see anything but good coming from both of these plant’s in this country. Of course there could always be something bad that happens and we just have to be prepared for it, if it were to occur and fix the problem and figure out a way to prevent it from happening again. Hemp farms all across America would be awesome in my opinion, theirs people out there that can grow both Hemp and Marijuana and really contribute to growth our economy, our country and ourselves as well. Let’s go greener with these two beautiful and beneficial plant’s, that have been around since way before people ever were.

What’s more important to you, 401k followers or a 401kplan? Depending on your answer say’s a lot about who you are, where your priorities are, but that’s none of my business.

I have to take a few stab’s or poke’s at social media, just because it make’s me laugh and giggle.

I use social media, it has reconnected me with family and friend’s who don’t live nearby. It has shown me a lot of useful product’s, idea’s, and in general a lot of great things out there in the world today. It’s a great resource for a business owner to help promote a business or product that someone may be offering. I’ve gotten invited to many concerts, fundraising events, and it has also helped raise awareness for causes, and that’s good. The most recent cause that I’ve seen being posted all about was the “Ice Bucket Challenge.” Great cause, but what I want to know is, how many people actually donated to the cause? I doubt very many people donated, I’m sure most just wasted water, wasting water when at the time, if I’m not mistaking there were wildfires going on out west. Perfectly good clean, drinking water being wasted. When some people in the world would’ve gladly have taken that water to drink, considering they’ve never had any clean water to drink, ever in their life.Smh.

What I like to see is people posting link’s to blog’s they may have, or a link to a website where they have put the music they make, or a link to a photographer’s website so you can see the most recent photo shoot they just did. Don’t get me wrong I do get a good laugh at some of the stupid shit people post, whether it’s a picture or a video of people doing stupid shit.

The constant game request that get sent to me, drive’s me absolutely crazy, it’s so annoying or is it just me? And do people who play these game’s realize that they don’t have to send out game invites in order for them to play the game? Just play the damn game, if I wanted crush candy I would, but I’d rather just eat some candy, not digitally crush it. Theirs no need to send me invites, I’m fully aware of all the games that social media has to offer, but thanks for the reminder, I’ll get right on that.

Game request were a part of the reason why I decided one day to go through and clean up my social media site, not only that, but I got rid of people I didn’t really talk to or know. And I most definitely got rid of the people who felt it was necessary to post a play-by-play status of their entire day. You know damn well you have someone on your friend list that does just that, the status that goes a little something like this:

” Just woke up, going to cook breakfast, take a shower, get dressed, do some cleaning, than I’m going shopping, and then back home to cook and eat while cuddled up on the couch with “BAE”, watching movies all night.”

Now I admit that may be a little bit of an exaggeration, but not really I’ve seen it before. Just do what you have to do, there is absolutely no reason to let everyone know what the hell you’re doing all day. It’s also a great way for you to get the house you just cleaned robbed, by letting everyone know you’ll be out of the house all damn day.

What the f**k does “BAE”, actually mean? I see it all the time, I’m a little lost, is it a new way to say “BABE?” If that’s what it means, than I question how much your “BAE” really means to you, considering the fact that you can’t seem to take the time and put the other “B” in their to spell “BABE.” Of course though that’s none of my business.

When it come’s to family on social media I’m not friends with very many of my relative’s, because I don’t feel the need to be or feel the need to communicate with them through social media. If I’m friends with them their usually blocked anyways, not that I have anything to hide, I just don’t want to be at a family gathering and having something I may post be brought up in conversation. The way I see it, if family and I want to communicate we can pick up the phone or visit one another, it’s that simple.

While I was cleaning up my social media site and getting rid of a few “friends”, I just want to make it clear that I wasn’t one of those people who posted this:

” Deleting some people off the friends list, so feel lucky if you’re reading this.”

That kind of just make’s you look like a complete douchebag, what make’s you so f*****g special that people should feel lucky to be friends with you still? Please educate me as to what makes you so special?

What is the deal with the people who are constantly putting all of their personal business out there on social media for people to see, and ultimately feed into and have something to say about it? If your going to choose and put that bulls**t out there, don’t sit there and then bitch and complain, about how everyone’s always in your business. You put it out there people and people are going to get involved, if you don’t expect people to, than that’s your problem.

All that drama you see, where people start fighting and talking shit back and forth. Seriously, keep that shit to yourselves, if you have a problem with someone, go out and handle it face to face, than squash it and move on. I forget sometime’s that their’s all these internet gangsters today, and love to talk shit behind a screen. Are you looking for the attention?

If you want the attention on social media do something good on it, say something meaningful, or shut the f**k up, please?

In today’s world I feel like no one take’s picture’s of each other, it’s all about that selfie, to the point where our phone’s even have the “selfie mode” on the camera. I’m not against the selfie or anyone who takes them at all. If you have the confidence to take a picture of yourself and feel confident enough to post it, go for it more power to you.

Everytime I see a female post a selfie, I wonder how many did she take before she actually posted one? Ten, twenty, or maybe even thirty, who knows?

You can’t blame them with society the way it is today, woman want to look their best especially if it’s a public picture that many people will eventually see. They get a little bit of help from all those damn filters that are available, not that they need them, but hey you want to use them and add a little bit of an artistic look to you picture, that’s cool. My personal favorite are the black and white’s, but the eye color is still there, that’s probably my favorite editing that can be done with the camera.

The picture’s themselves are awesome, it’s the caption’s that some of these girls put that I have seen that make me laugh. The one’s with the caption that says:

” I know I don’t look that good, but I don’t care, I love this picture.”

No, stop you don’t really think that because, you know damn well that you wouldn’t have posted that picture if you actually thought that, what I think is that you’re looking people to tell you that you look good. Come on let’s be real, I’d never post a picture of myself if I thought I looked like shit, and I’m a guy. It’s been awhile since I’ve seen that happen, but it’s definitely happened before and it will most likely continue to happen.

Ladies if you’re going to post a picture that’s somewhat revealing, dont caption it with ” Oh, I like the way my eye’s look in this one.”

Because I’m sure the majority of the likes from your male friends in particular, has little to nothing to do with your eyes standing out in the light that’s shining in through the window. It has to do with you breast hanging out and the booty shorts your barely wearing, just saying. And the girls that are saying: “oh you look so good girl.” Are probably talking shit at the same time to the friend their sitting next to looking at your picture.

The all too common “Duckface”, with your lips looking all wet from the lip gloss you have just applied before taking the infamous duckface picture. I love when I see the duckface because I think those are some nice lips, but I’m really thinking about the other set that you have and if their as nice as the one’s on your pretty face. The funny thing is, is that the duck face is nothing new, but it has become one of the “things” on social media. It’s been around since the day’s of miss Norma Jeane Mortenson and maybe even before her. Some girls can pull it off quite well but you still look kind of ridiculous, but it’s funny. Some stay with the duckface, like it’s their damn job.

The biggest thing with social media that I’m not the biggest fan of is the amount of picture’s that you see of children. You see picture’s of them from the day that they enter this world and haven’t even opened their eyes yet. Do these picture’s help or hurt them? My biggest concern is, who is actually looking at them other than the people who you’re friends with? You know their’s a lot of very sick and twisted people out there in the world that have the ability to hack into almost anything and see picture’s that weren’t intended for everyone to see. I’m not a parent myself, and I would never tell anyone how to raise their kids, or tell them that they shouldn’t post picture’s of them, but I just hope that the parent’s are aware of the danger’s of the internet. The fact that you just never really know who is sitting behind their computer being a creep looking at your picture’s and stealing personal information from you at the same time.

People have a way of hacking thing’s, their was a story recently about someone who was able to hack into a video baby monitor that sync’s up to your smart phone, which I find to be one of the dumbest thing’s ever thought of when it come’s to children. The guy was just watching the child sleep and screaming into the monitor when the mother heard the noises, I don’t know about but, that’s very scary to me that someone would even do that. They do make video baby monitor’s that don’t sync up to your smart phone and those seem to be fine, however the best visual aide that you could ever possibly get of your child is to open the door to their nursery, and see for yourself that their safe and sound.

Once again just be aware and cautious about the picture’s that you may post of the little one’s that you love so much, I’d never want to hear about anything happening to any of them because of something related to social media.

I literally can’t even continue to go on with this social media rant, to sum it up, fuck the picture’s of your food, just eat it before it get’s cold. The gym selfies, put the phone down get to your workout, no one care’s about you going to the gym, especially when it seem like you go just to take pictures. Progress pictures are one thing, but the daily gym selfie, come on now. Stop with all the bulls**t game invite’s, take them and pleasure yourself with them. Stop the play-by-play commentary about your day and leave any play-by-play commentary to the sport’s world. And for the love of God and the damn Devil, to all the guy’s that have poked me, stop. If I wanted to be poked by another guy, I’d go and get a tattoo, where not only would I get poked by another guy, but rubbed as well for a couple of hours.

Is social media destroying us? Is it making us become less social, and even more disconnected from each other than ever before?

No matter how many bar’s your WiFi say’s you have, doesn’t mean were connected, it’s actually doing quite the opposite, but then again that’s none of my business.

People post and share thing’s about making a change, giving their two cent’s on issue’s that go on in this country and the world, but how much does the click of a button actually do? It can only do so much, it may get people aware of something, it may get people to want to change thing’s, but how many of us are actually doing what we say? How many of us are actually out there trying to change thing’s for the better?

I’m not claiming that I’m out there doing something to make a difference in the world on a daily basis. What I’m doing though on a daily basis is working on changing myself, working on changing the thing’s I need to change. I’m doing the best that I can to focus on myself and not you, is it selfish? No, it’s nowhere near selfish, it’s quite necessary.

Before we all start pointing finger’s and blaming other’s, and doing the same thing’s that have been done before throughout history, maybe we need to start pointing the finger at ourselves and realizing, that its us, that needs to change first. We should start attempting to change our way of thinking and try to find that inner peace within inside of us. Maybe once we do find that inner peace, than that inner peace can be projected out into the world, and one day the world will know what peace really is.

If we took the passion we have for materialistic things and football, and put all that energy toward’s the problem’s that we face in the world today, the possibilities as to what we could do would be endless.

I’d love to see a world where people actually have their face in a book. A world where you can walk down the street, stop at a vending machine, put in some money, and receive a gram instantly, get it?

I don’t consider myself to belong to any group or anything along those line’s, I simply belong to the human race. It doesn’t matter what color your skin, where you come from, or whether your gay or straight, none of that shit matter’s to me. All that matter’s is the fact that we’re all here together, and we should start working together a little bit more and stop fighting with each other a lot less. It make’s no sense to fight one another, it get’s us nowhere as you can see it’s gotten us nowhere for a while now.

All the petty bulls**t that goes on between people in this world is nothing but one big giant plastic bag that has been place over the Earth, and it’s slowly choking the life out of everyone.

Just breathe, relax, and throw something good in the air with good people, and enjoy your time here.

The Bullet

With everyday that starts the thought of taking the bullet and coming out with nothing hold me down, no one to go visit every so often, no more answering to the people who are watching my every move. The ones waiting for me to slip up, there would be no more of that.

As the day’s go on and I decide not to take the bullet, it is a succesful day. Another day where I’ve made it through without giving them what they want. As appealing as it sounds to take the bullet, I can’t stomach the thought of all the nasty stuff they call food going into my stomach. Or the thought of being watched by a glorified babysitter, who logs every little thing into a book every hour if not every half hour. Sitting there just watching not doing anything, but probably thinking their better than you. Some of them are chill and will talk to you and actually look at you like a human being and not just a number, funny thing is their just a number like the rest.

When I actually think about taking the bullet, it’s those thoughts that keep me from receiving it. Things are better than being inside a very gray colored building, not being able to move as you please. Where your left with nothing but thoughts. The time that goes by slower than you could ever imagine, but that’s when you can’t let your time do you. It can teach you how to make the most of your time, more than you’ve ever have before. Even though you really don’t have much of a life at that point. Everything is scheduled and theirs a daily routine, the one thing that most never had before. You will either quickly follow it or completely lose it.

The lack of movement is what keeps me from taking the bullet. I’ll avoid it at any cost and be able to move freely like a bird whose head up North when the warm season arrives there. Staying focused will keep me from ever becoming like that bird, moving freely, yes that I want, but the headed up North part the birds can keep that.

DevoL Ones

The loved ones in your life have most likely always been in your life and will most likely be in your life one way or another. Some of them may be there more than others and some you may not always see as much as you’d like. And let’s be real there’s probably at least one or two family members that you don’t go out of your way to see or speak to. No matter what though they’re loved ones. Loved ones could be your family members or a few close friends that you would consider family. The way I see it blood doesn’t have to be the only way that people are considered family. Sometimes you can share the same interest, ideas, and values that can create at strong bond between two people.

You could have loved ones who live right down the road and around the corner, yet you feel a stronger bond with the ones that live seven hundred or even three thousand miles away. It’s strange the ones I can’t go and visit at a moments notice are the ones I stay in touch with more than anyone else. I guess that it’s the fact that distance does bring people closer. And when I see them or even talk to them, that time is cherished and valued much more. Nowadays I have loved ones nearby, but were so far apart, it makes absolutely no sense, shouldn’t it be the opposite way? It may be due to the fact that I really don’t go out of my way to see many of them, it’s nothing personal, but the phone goes both ways.

Maybe it’s just me but it almost seems as if families getting together doesn’t occur as much, or isn’t as important to people that much these day’s. Has family values diminished in the hustle and bustle todays fast paced society? Everyone’s gotten too busy and doesn’t get together as much. That may not be the case for all families and it very well may not be the case at all, it just seems like that to me. Made from observations and not just observations, but also from thinking of the way things were back than, while growing up. Family seemed to mean so much, at least that’s what I was lead to believe. Does it still mean as much as it did or am I just crazy and seeing things that aren’t actually there? Or is it that family doesn’t seem to matter to me as much anymore? Maybe in my head I’m dreaming and wanting things to be the way they used to be as far as family goes, knowing damn well that it will never be the same as it was. I question myself about whether family matters to me. And I know deep down inside of me it does matter to me, but why doesn’t it seem to matter to others as much? Or does it, but no one wants to do anything to show that it matters still?

I’ve even had a few conversations with my G-ma about it and asked her, ” what the hell happened to the family?”

A question we both were unsure of the answer to. I could only guess as to what the hell happened and that’s all it is, a guess nothing more, nothing less.

Sunday family dinners at the grandparents every week. All of us together and not for a special occasion like a holiday, but just for the simple reason of getting together and having dinner. Which now looking back they were considered a special occasion. We just didn’t need to have a reason to having dinner other than just to be a family and create memories to last a lifetime. It was something to look forward to get the chance to see my aunts, uncles, and cousins. While we had awesome spaghetti dinner, which was made amazing by the sauce made from homegrown tomatoes my grandfather grew and then canned by both of my grandparents together homemade sauce all year round.

The holidays would roll around and we’d get together for them as well. Thanksgiving being my favorite holiday because it meant food, family, and usually my favorite football team playing that day. Than Christmas following shortly after, another great time with the family. As the year would continue Easter wasn’t too far away. Not only did we get together for the major holidays, but we’d also just get together for family barbeques during the spring and summer. We were always getting together, it would’ve just been swimming at the grandparents or going up North to the campsite they had for years. All of used to spend a lot of time at the grandparents, we basically grew up there down there, playing in the woods coming out covered in poison ivy. Climbing the huge tree that still stands in the front yard. That tree stands strong because of its roots, roots deep and strong that keeps it alive going strong. That’s more than I can say about the roots of the family, they seemed to have weakened and it’s slowly coming down little by little, branch by branch, over the past several years.

Over the last several years there’s been such a change, change that has been brought on by divorce, which caused some to be no longer considered family, with it brought new people in. Some relatives have moved away and their no longer near by and maybe seen once a year if that. Obviously no ones getting younger so many of my cousins have had children of their own. And that has created many little families within one big family. Everyone seems to get busy raising kids and working, that no one gets together as much, if at all, besides the holidays like I had mentioned. Even than though it’s never all of us, there’s always a few people who don’t show up for whatever reasons they may have. When were together for the holidays these days it almost seems kind of awkward and I don’t understand how being around loved ones could be so awkward, but it is, at least it is initially. Or maybe I’m the only one that feels awkward. If the awkwardness is there it’s probably due to the fact that we rarely get together anymore. The last time I can recall when we were all together other than the holidays was when my grandfather passed away. All of us coming together to be there to show love and support for each other is great, but the passing of a loved one shouldn’t be the only time that we get together. And the coming together of the family at that time didn’t seem to last very long. Did we all come together for the right reasons, even if it may have been short-lived? We had to move on and continue with life even after a great life had just come to an end, marked by the words “code blue”, echoing throughout the hallways and sending chills throughout my entire body.

What bothers me the most is as time went on and everyone got older it’s like the grandparents were forgotten about, and that still seems to be the case today. The grandparents the foundation of the entire family. The amount of time that was spent at their house and what they’ve done for all of us. I always have and always will love spending time at my grandparents house.

The most ironic part or crazy part about me wanting the family to get together more often these days, is that I always felt like an outsider within my own family. An outsider in the sense, I never felt comfortable talking to the majority of them. I never really felt comfortable going to any of them for advice about much of anything. My views and opinions seemed so much different and I never wanted to express them for fear of being judged. I’m not even totally sure if the “judged” is the correct way to describe the feeling. I guess I didn’t want to be told that the way I think or see things isn’t right or good, I don’t even know. It really comes down to not feeling comfortable with communicating any feelings with anyone for that matter, not just family. That’s not due to anything they’ve said or done, it was me being self-conscious and not wanting to talk, because I always thought what was the point in talking if no one is going to listen? They probably would have listened and I think I was over thinking and thinking of the worst case scenario.

That over thinking lead me to believe that family wouldn’t be able to help me with anything that may have been going on with me. All those years it was me and my lack of communication. With the lack of communication it made me become isolated from everyone except my own head. This whole isolation thing became ever more as I reached my teenage years and as those years went on I ended up talking to people outside of the family. And it was those people who never sugar-coated anything that was said to me. The type of things that could give someone a boost of self-esteem, confidence, and insight. The first two being what was lacked the most and the third I was rapidly gaining the more I talked to people, people considered “professionals.” Those people would tell me what I needed to hear not what I wanted to hear. Where as loved ones would tell me what I wanted to hear. That in my opinion is one of the reasons why that old saying “family and friends will be the ones to bring you down”, even exist.

I don’t think that it’s always the case, but what I’ve come to realize is that loved ones know you obviously, so they aren’t always capable of being honest with you. Chances are their thinking about not wanting to hurt your feelings, however the lack of honesty is more hurtful than the truth. What I don’t get is that family (adults) in your life while growing up will tell you “honesty is the best policy.” Where is that honesty from them? And that’s what I want from loved ones especially when it comes to my writing, don’t tell me you enjoy it, if you didn’t really enjoy it. In my head I think that’s what I’ll get and it’s terrible to think, but it’s just what I truly feel. The people who read it I hope have given an honest opinion and not just nice things to say because they know me at least a little bit. I value their opinion very much because it gives me some self-esteem, confidence, and insight when it comes to my writing.

At the end I just have to keep writing and listening to myself and be happy with it. I am the only one I’m trying to make happy, for what seems like the first time in a long time, if not my entire life. I’m not trying to prove anyone wrong I’m only trying to prove myself right.